The other day, I was telling the story of how people avoid difficult conversations, dodging them like the devil doesn’t agree with holy water. But risking during this whole time to lose or to give up on things which are really important for them. Things worth fighting for. Things worth entering a difficult conversation for.
But let’s say you entered such a difficult conversation, willingly or forced by specific events. How do you sail that insurgent sea? What could you use to navigate it?
The answer is simple, as always, and is made of several ingredients:
- Curiosity & respect
- Listening to understand
- Reframing the problem
- Receptiveness & a HEAR approach
- Vulnerability
Let’s take them one at a time and do a deep-dive into each.
- Curiosity & respect
We often believe that our opinion is the universal truth and that the other person is blind to it, making it our pure mission to enlighthen them, to set them on the right path, to ”fix” them. What if we look at the other person with respect, placing them on the same level of expertise like us, on the same level of experience and legitimate choice like ours? We do that by starting to ask ourselves: „Why is it that he/she thought to that idea? What is it that this person, who is as smart as I am, sees the world or the topic in this way?”. And then we add curiosity to this mix, and we ask the same questions to that other person, waiting for an answer.
2. Listening to understand
In coaching, we are taught about active listening as a mandatory competence. And the way we practice it at its best is to listen up to end of the phrase, give 2-3 seconds for the information to sink in, then ask a question which naturally evolves from the last sentence or idea of the client. In day-to-day life, we rarely practice it, as we BELIEVE we already have the answer before the other person opens their mouth, we think we see what the other person is not seeing and we often give out solutions beforehand. We should instead stay focused on the speaker and allow those 2-3 seconds for the info to sink in, before jumping the gun and rushing to conclusions.
3. Reframing the problem
Out judgement is clouded most of the times by the mistakes we perceive. Not by the mistakes actually made, but by the ones perceived. As illustrations show it beautifully, out of a full-circle, our real problems are maybe 5-10% of the total, while the rest is what WE THINK our problems are. So, what would happen if we reframe that mindset? If we move from problem into opportunity? From assumption into curiosity? From blame into understanding? From a fixed mindset into a growth mindset? And start asking the right questions, like: „If it were possible, how would we do it?” and „What are the complexities that led to this result?” or „What is the opportunity to learn something here?”
4. Receptiveness & a HEAR approach
Sometimes, during „times of war” within these difficult conversations, we are not ready to properly hear the other person. We understand where they are coming from, but we can’t go there with them. It’s the best time to practice the HEAR approach.
H = Hedging your claims, which means „baking” some uncertainty into what you think, into your arguments, into your phrasing (for example, avoid speaking in absolutes like „never”, „always”, „none” etc.)
E = Emphasize agreement, which means pin-pointing the exact parts where you both see eye-to-eye
A = Acknowledge the other perspective, which means allowing it to exist as much as you allow yours to exist and making room for it in the conversation
R = Reframing into positive, which means using sentences like „One of the things I appreciate in what you said is…”
5. Vulnerability
We see difficult conversations as a game of tug-of-war, battling the opponent in order to win the upper hand, not budging or giving-in not even an inch. But if we do so, we leave no room for vulnerability. A raised sword only manages to elicit another raised sword. Instead, if we put the sword down, and we show vulnerability, we show what is our concern, what is our fear, what is our need, and we ask for help, we allow vulnerability to lead us closely together.
How do you navigate the unsettling waters of a difficult conversations? What do you use as a compass to pull-through?
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